Just a Big Ole Pink Cloud

I had left the VA hospital on Friday armed with the news, cancer, all over your nodes in your chest..no we can't operate!!...its too much!!....... too far gone!!......we can only give you chemo and radiation treatment the best we have.........it will stop this bunch but there will be more to come..we'll give you some time�.time.

Sometimes a slap in the face of reality takes some time to digest..sometimes your brain kicks in slow mode..too much too fast would give you overload�so off home I went to the peninisula..to the cabin by the lake..next to my giant eagle tree..my lodge my camp my turf..all would be well..I would fight..

To fight this fight would take time and health..I decidied to see where my breathing was and how I felt about a brisk quick miler down to the end of the island and back..a quick mile for starters..

It was 5:30a.m. Sunday morning..no cars no joggers..many birds but their song was quiet today the rabbits just sat and looked with those big glassy eyes they didn't hop away..they knew..they had nothing to fear from this one..

The walk went well..down past Steve's cow painted mailbox around the penisula swings and park and back up the small hill to my sanctuary..all was good..a little hard breathing but it had been awhile..I could do this..this would be my foundation,� my rock back to fight the chemo the radiantion..

Just then I saw a large cloud..actually it was two smaller ones pushed close together with a rough jagged underbottom making the light from the sun cast shadows of various browns and pinks..a quite stunning setting for the first light of the day..this giant fluffy pink shape hanging over the trees on the quiet still lake as the sun was rising..one of those 'darn wish I had my camera moments'.

It was then all the news all the peoples faces all the facts hit me..you have cancer..its full blown..a mother load of hard core gonna kick your butt cancer and if possible shorten your life..so what now Mr Bob? What now?.

And looking at this damn ever in my face cloud �.lets put it all on the table for the Bob..so that Bob couldn't walk away..no covering..no putting off..just let Bob meet Bob for the first time with the facts and how and why this new camcer news was going to be dealt with..

That ever present big pink cloud..why did I draw to it?Then it struck me..I wouldn't see too many more big pink clouds?..my days were fewer..hence my cloud watching days would be lessened?.

No that wasn't it..it wasn't that I had fatal news..I had a short time to live�it was how I had lived..how I had 'spent' the time already gone�that's what stopped me..that's what caused the lower lip to quiver..the eyes to mist up..the nose to run�I had regrets..I couldn't change them it was too late..my time was soon to end..

I regretted the times when I could of shown love and didn't..I regretted the times a kind word was needed and I was angry and didn't give one..the kind smile I could of offered but gave a scowled instead�..the shrug instead of the insult�..all the many times I could have made someone else feel good and didn't�I regretted all these negative non love hatefull petty childish moments I had held..when I could of easily just smiled and shrugged�.so no..........I didn't rush around hugging trees..I didn't stare at people till they looked at me so I could smile at them..but I sure did stop and think�and if nothing else I hope I continue to think..to remember that big ole pink cloud and the thoughts of that sunday morning...........its all about love..its just that simple..that plain..no big secret..no big deal..its all about love...it waits..it loves.....I want to remember that is not only what I do but what I stop doing that matters......Instead of regretting my past and fearing the future...but embrace the present...the now... Be well..namaste..Bob